you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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