Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
