I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
