I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
