If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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