Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Holy sore nipples Batman
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
