oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
