Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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