guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
