I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
The best revenge is premature balding
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
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