your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
