My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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