Your mouth is God's brothel.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
