You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
