My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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