I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
