Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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