When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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