Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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