I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
