Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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