My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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