i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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