mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
