either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
