I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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