Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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