Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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