Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
