i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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