My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just forgot I was standing up.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
