Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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