Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
