how can u be prego again
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
