I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
