You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
