If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize