Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I'm lost and stupid without you.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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