Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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