Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
