I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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