my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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