So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
