apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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