So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
