did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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