I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I wear drunk well.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
