you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
