my phone needs a breathalizer
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
