getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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