So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
