i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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