my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
ttyl tear gas
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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