I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Green mimosas i think yes
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
