Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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