Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
