my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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